


long-forgotten letters

by MegTheMighty



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Letters, Love Confessions, Misunderstandings, Post-Promised Day, Pre-Canon, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:35:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegTheMighty/pseuds/MegTheMighty
Summary: On a lonely, sleepless night, Riza writes a letter she never intends to be read.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 15
Kudos: 85





	long-forgotten letters

**Author's Note:**

> While writing this, the title was: let riza hawkeye be vulnerable 2020
> 
> Essentially, this is lots of disorganized thoughts from Riza's perspective that I disguised as her venting some frustrations. It grew into having a short plot because I just can't leave things like this alone lol, it was too tempting. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Riza set her tea down and turned to her side table to tune the radio. This Friday evening was like any other; she left Eastern Command, made herself dinner, showered, cleaned, and was settling in for the night. The particular station she was searching for always played her favorite composer’s music for an hour during the late evening, so she was eager to have it ready before 10 p.m. 

A book that Lieutenant Breda recommended was sitting nearby, so she thumbed through it until she found the right chapter to pick up on. Riza didn’t know him well yet, but he was already proving to be an essential member of the team, much like Havoc. They had shared some classes at the academy, but she tended to keep to herself and hadn’t formed many bonds with her peers. 

Being a loner wasn’t necessarily Riza’s preference, but it seemed to have become her natural state anyway. She lived alone with no one to take care of, which made focusing on work significantly easier. It should have felt like an improvement upon growing up with only her sick father, but in a way, she did miss the feeling of being needed.

_What a selfish thought,_ she scolded herself. _You were both miserable, and he only needed you because he was dying._

The words clouded on the page as Riza’s introspection monopolized her attention. She couldn’t read and let her mind drift to another world when reality was weighing so heavily. She snapped the book shut and set it down, taking a moment to rub her temples. 

Where did these thoughts suddenly come from?

It wasn’t hard to realize why her solitude was on her mind. It was a silly, throwaway comment, but it started because Colonel Mustang had a date that night. That wasn’t uncommon, nor was it actually a date. Havoc had still poked a bit of fun at her for being chronically single. Not once had she gone out on a date in the time that he knew her. Not once did she mention a partner or even a crush. He couldn’t fathom how she could live like that.

Riza honestly didn’t mind it. She had no desire for hookups, and a long term partner was out of the question. In the few moments when she let herself think about life alongside another person, whether she was their wife, girlfriend, secret lover, anything, there was only one face next to hers on the imaginary pillow. 

It didn’t do to dwell on Roy either, because he was the one person she could never have. It was always like that. She first developed a crush on the older boy (and eventual man) who slept in the bedroom furthest from hers, and now she was in love with her superior officer. Both situations could only end in disaster if she were to make her feelings known. 

One consolation was that he did need her on some level. Roy had stated many times that she was essential to him becoming the Fuhrer and remaining on the right path until they ultimately faced judgement for their crimes. But that form of being needed often felt much more like a burden than a blessing. 

_Just go to bed so you can stop thinking,_ Riza told herself. _None of this is productive._

In annoyance, she shut off the radio and turned off the lights in the living room. Apparently her bed was going to be the only place of solace tonight.

Riza lost track of how many times she changed positions, but sleep simply wouldn’t take her. In the darkness, her body and mind were both fully alive. Even after an exhausting week of work, the obsessive thoughts were powerful enough to keep her awake.

She sat up and turned on the bedside lamp, casting shadows across the room in contrast with the bright light. She simply didn’t understand what was wrong. Any other day, she was able to suppress any self-pitying thoughts and get her much-needed rest. 

The image of Roy sitting at a fancy restaurant in the expensive downtown district suddenly flashed in her mind. He always dressed so nicely, but his hair was still a mess across his forehead. The woman across from him would be beautiful, of course, but he would eventually go home alone. There was no reason to be jealous, because he had no present intentions to date or marry either. Then again, jealousy wasn’t a particularly rational state.

An empty journal sitting on top of her dresser caught her eye. It was a months-old birthday gift from Rebecca, who claimed the worn leather binding and delicate pages reminded her of Riza. She never used it, but recalled how she always wanted a diary growing up. It was a teenage cliché, and she probably wouldn’t have kept up with writing anyway back then; she had always been too busy. The empty journal was calling out to her, and Riza decided that trying wouldn’t hurt. 

After searching for a spare pen, Riza sat at her sparse dining table and stared down at the empty first page. What was she supposed to write, “dear diary”? That was far too elementary and cheapening for her deepest thoughts. 

_I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight. As far as I can tell, there are no changes in my life that could bring about my current frustration and insomnia, she wrote._

That was a fair beginning. Simple and objective. It wasn’t going to help her vent any frustrations though. Riza stared at the next page, willing it to tell her what to write. After a few long moments, inspiration suddenly struck.

_Colonel Mustang,_ she began.

No, not Colonel Mustang. She was supposed to write down the things she could never say, not the things she would say to cover her feelings up.

_~~Colonel Mustang~~ Roy,_

_You’ll never read this, but I believe it will be cathartic to pretend to tell you my thoughts. You’re probably the only person who would come close to understanding them._

_The first thing I must admit to is that I get jealous when you go out on dates. I know you would gloat at that fact, but it’s been eating away at me slowly. It’s selfish, but I wish they didn’t have to be so public, and that I didn’t have to be constantly reminded of them. It doesn’t matter whether they’re real or not, those dates remind me of all the nights that will never exist between us. I accepted that fact long ago, and would never do anything to jeopardize our mission, but I cannot just rid myself of this feeling at will. I can only swallow it down for as long as possible._

_In a way, I’m jealous of your role as well. I can’t deny that sometimes I hate being seen as only a subordinate. You’re the only commanding officer I would ever willingly stay with, but the whispers about my position have gotten loud enough to reach my ears recently. I have to accept this gossip as well, but that doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. It hurts that the skills I do have, my one pride regardless of the unforgivable ways I’ve used them, are forgotten or ignored. It hurts that Havoc and Breda, and even you, will never understand that feeling of undeserved shame. It hurts that the one thing everyone thinks about us is the one thing that will never be true._

_In truth, I’ve always been jealous of you. You were my father’s greatest pride before you admitted you were going to join the military. I could never do anything right in his eyes. You have a family that never stops growing and is completely devoted to you, and everyone I know that shares my blood is dead. I don’t envy the work you must do to become the Fuhrer, but I cannot help but think you have the sufficient support to bear it. Sometimes, in moments I hate to admit exist, I doubt I am enough for the task I must complete._

_I often wonder what you feel in the middle of the night, in times like this. One thing I do know is that you love me. No amount of jealousy or self-doubt could convince me that you don’t value me, or that I don’t hold a place in your heart. However, another thing I know is that I will always love you more than you love me. It’s a simple fact of the relationship between us and there is nothing I could do to change it._

Riza stopped writing and dropped the pen. She had to quickly wipe a stray tear before it could fall onto the paper. It was the first time she admitted that to herself. Maybe that realization was what was haunting her. However, writing the words and making them real suddenly lifted the weight off. 

_It’s not a pleasant thing to think about, but it’s true. Out of necessity, I am entirely devoted to you, while you do not have to be devoted to me. I must be in order to protect you, which is convenient because I have been in love with you since before I knew what love was. Of course, the promise I made will always stand, and I will never forget my duty to stop you if you stray from our path. I only wish I could actually tell you all this, just so that you would know in case that eventuality ever comes to pass. You deserve to know I am in love with you, regardless of what form your love for me takes._

_I’m not sure how to end this letter. There are certainly more things I would like to tell you, but I would fill this whole journal before I was even close to being finished. I suppose the one thing I should say is that I don’t blame you for any of these feelings. They are entirely my own creation and responsibility. I know your relationship with love is quite different than mine. I believe you’re quite accustomed to familial affection and romantic prospects, so I could not expect you to know how it is to never have them. And if I find myself requiring support or love, it is not your duty to provide it. Perhaps I just need a cat around to keep me company sometimes._

Riza let out a heavy sigh. She couldn’t go on any longer, or else she would never stop. Her most closely held feelings were acknowledged and hopefully put to rest for the night. With her mind finally knowing some semblance of peace, she decided to return to her bed and let sleep finally take her.

* * *

Riza was correct in assuming she wouldn’t have stuck with journaling as a teenager; after her one night of venting, the journal returned to its place in her bedroom and was never touched unless she was moving it to dust.

Eventually, it was put in a box full of books and moved into storage when the team was moved to Central. Riza didn’t bother transferring most of her possessions at first, and once she was placed under Fuhrer Bradley’s command, all the items left behind completely slipped her mind. The journal remained buried under a stack of alchemy textbooks until months after the Promised Day, when Mustang’s unit returned to East City.

“Where do you want these chairs? Around the table?”

“Yes, but I can handle it, sir,” she answered.

Mustang insisted on helping Riza move, since she hadn’t been cleared to return to duty just yet. The new apartment was slightly larger than her old one, so new furniture was required.

“I’ve got it,” he said. “The reason I got your couch in here first was so that you would have somewhere to sit and rest.”

Riza rolled her eyes from her place in the living room, but let him carry on. Since regaining his eyesight, the newly-dubbed Brigadier General constantly wanted something useful to do. 

“Can I make you some tea?” he asked from across the room.

“I don’t think the kettle is even unpacked yet. I can try to find it.” Riza was already preparing to pull herself up when he stopped her.

“No, no. I’ll do it.”

She hated being stuck doing nothing just as much as he did. Riza looked around listlessly and thought she might close her eyes for a moment. Surely he would be fine with that, since he was insisting she rest anyway. Afternoon naps weren’t part of her regular routine, but just one wouldn’t hurt.

It was easy enough to relax in the peaceful apartment, but something wasn’t quite right. The complete silence caught her attention, and Riza opened her eyes to see General Mustang gone. He must have gone into her bedroom to look through the boxes there, but she didn’t want him staying in there too long.

She made it to the doorway and realized why it was so quiet. He was standing in the middle of the room, frozen in place as he looked down at something in his hands. Riza was about to ask what he was so focused on when she recognized the binding on the journal and realized in horror what he had found.

She must have gasped or made some noise because his head whipped around toward her, eyes wide. Riza couldn’t recall everything she wrote on that miserable night, but she remembered all the emotions well enough to know that everything on those pages was terribly embarrassing and pathetic.

“What is this?” he asked softly.

“That’s private,” she snapped, overcoming the shock enough to snatch it away from his hands.

“But it was addressed to m-”

“You weren’t supposed to see this!” she cried. “God, I never should have written all those stupid things.”

“But you don’t actually feel that way, do you?” he asked. There was something in his tone that made her feel even worse. Pity.

“Yes, I do,” Riza answered shortly, trying to maintain some sense of pride. “I think you should go.”

“But Riza-”

“Please leave, General.” 

She intentionally called upon his rank to remind him not to use her name. Why would he invoke something so personal after embarrassing her so thoroughly? It was almost cruel.

Mustang slowly left the bedroom, avoiding her eyes as he headed to the front door. He paused briefly and she thought he was going to turn around and try to stay. Instead, he continued his path away, leaving her alone to agonize over the situation.

* * *

An hour later, Riza’s sour thoughts were interrupted at a knock on her door. Hayate remained curled up on the floor, so she knew whoever it was must be friendly. She stood and approached the door, opening it slowly. Her suspicions were confirmed at the sight of General Mustang standing there, in the same clothes as earlier. 

“I understand that you’re still upset,” he began. “I’ll leave if you want me to, but there’s something you should see.”

She didn’t respond yet, but looked down at what he was holding out to here. It was a worn piece of formal stationary, but it wasn’t the kind they used in the office.

“What is this?”

“Just read it.”

“How old is-”

“Please,” he said. “Read it.”

_Riza,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I must apologize for not writing to you sooner, but I was given even more work after passing the State Alchemist Examination. I have to thank you again for entrusting me with your father’s research. I fully intend to uphold my convictions and use this power for good._

_I’m not writing to discuss alchemy or the military, however. Simply put, I miss you. When I left for Central all those months ago, I thought I was prepared to return to work alone and get ready for my exam. Now, no amount of studying or practice can distract me from thinking of you, and I regret leaving you alone so much._

_When I left, you said that you wanted to be able to accomplish something on your own. I understand why, but I have to ask you again if you would accept my help. Your father asked me to look after you, and I cannot ignore his implication. To be perfectly clear, I would be asking you this regardless of your circumstances, and regardless of how in debt I already am to you. I love you, and if you would accept me, I would be your husband in a heartbeat._

_I understand that my affections may not be fully returned, or that you may only see my offer as a matter of convenience, but I can live with that. Maybe it has always been a fact that my attachment to you is much stronger than yours for me. I would never ask you to do anything you’re not comfortable with either. I only want you to feel safe and loved, and I promise I would do my best to provide that._

_Please consider my offer, Riza. Even if you reject it, please at least let me know that you are okay._

_Yours,  
Roy Mustang_

Riza held it in shaking hands for a long moment before looking up to meet his eyes.

“It seems ridiculous now, doesn’t it? You didn’t need me at all,” he said sheepishly.

Riza simply stared, not quite comprehending his words yet.

“I never sent that letter, obviously,” he continued. “I was going to, then I received word that you were accepted into the academy.”

“You didn’t know I loved you?” she asked quietly.

“You were a very hard person to decipher back then,” he said, taking a hesitant step forward. “And you have nothing to be embarrassed of, since I’ve been the one more in love for much longer than you.”

Riza let out a soft laugh, probably in relief. “Roy, I can’t believe…”

“I know,” he replied, taking one of her hands in his. “But just to be entirely clear, you have nothing to be jealous of. I won’t need to go on many of those dates now anyway.”

“That isn’t important,” she waved off. “We need to do whate-”

“Whatever it takes, I know,” he finished. “But I can’t have you feeling that way if I can help it.” They were already so close, but he moved forward to press his forehead to hers. “And please, don’t ever think you don’t deserve it. I would still do anything for you.”

“I love you,” she whispered before wrapping her arms around him. Her face was buried into his shoulder and she could smell the aftershave on his neck.

“I love you, Riza.” He brushed a hand through her hair, savoring the moment. “Never forget that. You deserve so much more than I can offer, bu-”

“No,” she whispered back. “Now I finally know, this is exactly what I deserve. No better and no worse. Just you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was coherent and semi-enjoyable! The idea came out of nowhere, and I considered just ending it at Riza's letter, but I needed some happy resolution. If Riza ever allowed herself to be vulnerable and express her inner self-doubt, then Roy would want to be there to pick up the pieces and reassure her :')
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think! I appreciate any feedback :)


End file.
